I have been looking at blank pages for weeks, unable to decide what to write about. There has been so much on my mind lately that I haven’t been able to form a post on just one topic. So many things seemed way to important, but in the same breath so many seemed insignificant. What I have finally settled on, is a mixture of it all! You may love it or you may hate it, but this is what I am going to call “journaling out loud”. A real glimpse into my life as well as into my head. A sample of what goes into the hundreds of journal entries that I write.
One thing that I have been dealing with over the past several weeks is rejection. I am sure some of this has to do with the season that we are approaching. The significant serious relationships that I have had, all ended in the beginning of Fall. I do love the cooler weather and the fall festivities that welcome in this new season, but there is always a bit of sadness that hangs around. The depression has been present and strong lately. With already feeling “off”, I have had a hard time dealing with being around all of my friends. I am now the only single one left. It is hard for me to see everyone else enjoying what I want so badly. The envy is strong and real. Of course, I am happy for all of my friends and I would never send negative thoughts their way. After all, I have prayed so hard for good and caring men to come into their lives. They are all so deserving. I must give myself a personal check, so that I do not let that horrible envious monster tear me down. Every time we make plans or arrange to do something, I have to mentally prepare myself. I must make sure that those thoughts and feelings of loneliness don’t follow me around and ruin the quality time with the people I love.
I have been going through a women’s bible study at my church called Uninvited. It is based on the book written by Lysa Terkeurst. Let me tell you, it is something that I needed to read and study! I have been completely resistant to it as well, fighting the message that God wants me to hear. I keep using the excuse that I am entirely too busy to read or follow the guide. In the beginning of this study, Lysa focuses on living loved. I am so far away from this that the concept seems very foreign to me. I tend to be very hard on myself ALL OF THE TIME. I can never live up to the impossible expectations that I set for myself. This mentality has been front and center lately. I feel like I am failing at work, that I am not prepared or equipped enough to lead my BSF high school students, and that I will never be interesting enough to attract (and keep) a man. There have been so many little insignificant things that have happened in my social settings lately, that have allowed me to think that I just don’t fit in.
What all of this tells me is that this study could not have happened at a more opportune time. God knew that the enemy was trying to beat me down. That I needed to be surrounded by love and grace. I am not one that requires affirmations, in fact they make me feel very uncomfortable. However, I do need to be reminded of His love for me and that is exactly what this study has allowed.
Learning to Say No
Do you ever feel stretched a little too thin? I am sure you all have experienced this, too. That feeling where if you say “no” to someone that it will completely ruin everything? That is exactly what I have been dealing with. Every invite I was getting from my friends, all of the extra volunteer work at my church, the extra hours of work, and all of those little asks… I was saying “yes” to all of them. What should have been fun, refreshing, or at least a good learning experience ended up leaving me with tons of anxiety and overwhelming exhaustion. On top of the ill effects that it was having on me, I also was not giving 100% of myself to anything that I was doing! Some of these things absolutely deserved all of me and not just a fraction. Thankfully, I am finally realizing what I am doing to myself and have started to be picky and choosy about what I am saying “yes” to. I now understand that I may be stealing someone else’s blessing by trying to be involved in everything. Have I perfected this? Not even close, but I do think that I am starting to do a better job.
With all of this going on, I have been focusing a little more on finding joy. I do not want to concentrate on all of the negative and forget the blessings that I really do have in my life. It seems so hard sometimes, but there really is so much to be happy about. My church is still going through a huge transition period, but I feel God at work more and more every single week. The way that the Holy Spirit fills our sanctuary is one of the most peaceful and calming feelings that I have ever had. I have always felt at home when I walk in those doors, but now, I feel a sense of confirmation that this is exactly where I need to be. Another wonderful event that has occurred, one of my closest friends has welcomed a precious baby girl into this world. She is perfect, and beautiful, and I am in awe of her. God’s creations truly are magnificent.
I am hopeful that soon, I will again be able to grasp my creativity and write. It is something that I absolutely adore to do. I am working on embracing structure which will hopefully help me to prioritize my daily life a little bit better. Until then, I do appreciate the continued support! I hope that you enjoyed this post, even if it was a little bit all over the place.