Journaling Out Loud: A Peak Into My Daily Journal

I have been looking at blank pages for weeks, unable to decide what to write about. There has been so much on my mind lately that I haven’t been able to form a post on just one topic. So many things seemed way to important, but in the same breath so many seemed insignificant. What I have finally settled on, is a mixture of it all! You may love it or you may hate it, but this is what I am going to call “journaling out loud”. A real glimpse into my life as well as into my head. A sample of what goes into the hundreds of journal entries that I write.

Rejection

One thing that I have been dealing with over the past several weeks is rejection. I am sure some of this has to do with the season that we are approaching. The significant serious relationships that I have had, all ended in the beginning of Fall. I do love the cooler weather and the fall festivities that welcome in this new season, but there is always a bit of sadness that hangs around. The depression has been present and strong lately. With already feeling “off”, I have had a hard time dealing with being around all of my friends. I am now the only single one left. It is hard for me to see everyone else enjoying what I want so badly. The envy is strong and real. Of course, I am happy for all of my friends and I would never send negative thoughts their way. After all, I have prayed so hard for good and caring men to come into their lives. They are all so deserving. I must give myself a personal check, so that I do not let that horrible envious monster tear me down. Every time we make plans or arrange to do something, I have to mentally prepare myself. I must make sure that those thoughts and feelings of loneliness don’t follow me around and ruin the quality time with the people I love.

I have been going through a women’s bible study at my church called Uninvited. It is based on the book written by Lysa Terkeurst. Let me tell you, it is something that I needed to read and study! I have been completely resistant to it as well, fighting the message that God wants me to hear. I keep using the excuse that I am entirely too busy to read or follow the guide. In the beginning of this study, Lysa focuses on living loved. I am so far away from this that the concept seems very foreign to me. I tend to be very hard on myself ALL OF THE TIME. I can never live up to the impossible expectations that I set for myself. This mentality has been front and center lately. I feel like I am failing at work, that I am not prepared or equipped enough to lead my BSF high school students, and that I will never be interesting enough to attract (and keep) a man. There have been so many little insignificant things that have happened in my social settings lately, that have allowed me to think that I just don’t fit in.

What all of this tells me is that this study could not have happened at a more opportune time. God knew that the enemy was trying to beat me down. That I needed to be surrounded by love and grace. I am not one that requires affirmations, in fact they make me feel very uncomfortable. However, I do need to be reminded of His love for me and that is exactly what this study has allowed.

Learning to Say No

Do you ever feel stretched a little too thin? I am sure you all have experienced this, too. That feeling where if you say “no” to someone that it will completely ruin everything? That is exactly what I have been dealing with. Every invite I was getting from my friends, all of the extra volunteer work at my church, the extra hours of work, and all of those little asks… I was saying “yes” to all of them. What should have been fun, refreshing, or at least a good learning experience ended up leaving me with tons of anxiety and overwhelming exhaustion. On top of the ill effects that it was having on me, I also was not giving 100% of myself to anything that I was doing! Some of these things absolutely deserved all of me and not just a fraction. Thankfully, I am finally realizing what I am doing to myself and have started to be picky and choosy about what I am saying “yes” to. I now understand that I may be stealing someone else’s blessing by trying to be involved in everything. Have I perfected this? Not even close, but I do think that I am starting to do a better job.

Finding Joy

With all of this going on, I have been focusing a little more on finding joy. I do not want to concentrate on all of the negative and forget the blessings that I really do have in my life. It seems so hard sometimes, but there really is so much to be happy about. My church is still going through a huge transition period, but I feel God at work more and more every single week. The way that the Holy Spirit fills our sanctuary is one of the most peaceful and calming feelings that I have ever had. I have always felt at home when I walk in those doors, but now, I feel a sense of confirmation that this is exactly where I need to be. Another wonderful event that has occurred, one of my closest friends has welcomed a precious baby girl into this world. She is perfect, and beautiful, and I am in awe of her. God’s creations truly are magnificent.

I am hopeful that soon, I will again be able to grasp my creativity and write. It is something that I absolutely adore to do. I am working on embracing structure which will hopefully help me to prioritize my daily life a little bit better. Until then, I do appreciate the continued support! I hope that you enjoyed this post, even if it was a little bit all over the place.

What Is Your Calling?

Do you believe that everyone has a calling? What even is a calling? The Webster Dictionary defines it as; “a strong inner impulse towards a particular course of action, especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence”. Wow, that seems pretty intense. The whole thought of having just one particular thing that I am all-consumed, and passionate, about seems so unreal to me. How do I know that I have recognized my calling and am leading the correct path? What if I never figure out what my calling actually is? Does this mean that I am not successful? I am sure that you can tell by the questions I am asking, that this is an extremely difficult concept to me. Mainly because I wonder what it means if I never figure it out?

When I hear people talk about their calling, they always seem so sure about it. It is as if God has personally spoken, and told them exactly what it is. Not only that, but their calling always seems so big and important. I have never felt this before. That is why I think I am so troubled by finding my calling. Nothing that I have to offer seems quite that huge. Sure, I am decently good at many things… but not great. In most sports, I do have this ability to force myself to learn and develop the skills needed to be good enough to play effectively. I have always been very smart, but that does not come without a lot of effort. There have been so many late, or sleepless, night study sessions. I love children, and try to positively influence their little minds. However, I have never been given the opportunity to be a mother. I am a good leader and boss, but again, it has taken so much effort. I’ve been through several leadership training’s, listened to podcasts, and read books to try and improve my skills. I am not putting myself down here. I know that I work extremely hard to be good at everything I do. I just haven’t found that one thing that sets me apart from everyone else. Shouldn’t your calling come easily and be obvious that this is your THING? That this one THING is how you will shine your light for Jesus?

What happens if that one THING that you are extremely passionate about is not your calling? We all have those ‘reach for the stars’ childhood dreams. Mine, was that I wanted to be an elite gymnast. I spent years trying to hone my skills. Guess what, I never became the gymnast that I had my heart set on. Was I decent at the sport? Absolutely. I learned very valuable lessons about hard work and dedication from my time in that gym. As an adult, I have found many things that I am passionate about. I love animals way more than the average person! It would make me so happy to own a farm. One with all of the cows, goats, chickens, pigs, and horses I could handle. Have you ever seen the movie “We Bought A Zoo?” That, would be my dream come true! Having Matt Damon as my love interest would not be so bad either. My point here is, these are both very different, but were also very real passions of mine. Yet, neither have been my calling.

Sometimes, I worry that I missed the signs. That God was speaking to me, telling me what I was to do, and I just did not hear him. With that being said, I do not believe that God operates like that. My God is loving and kind. I think that He would literally hit me in the face with the message that He was trying to deliver to me. After all, He has done it before. I do not believe He would allow me to miss out on something so important.

I have learned a lot about this subject in Annie F. Downs’s book “100 Days to Brave”. In her writing she gives advice on how to figure out what your calling is, and the answer is extremely simple. ASK God! Pray about it! Listen for what God is saying to you and watch for where he is sending you. Sometimes God talks through other people, so keep your ears open and listen. It is tough for me to quiet my mind and focus. I pray that God will help me to hear what He is saying to me and that I will recognize His voice when He speaks. Annie has also taught me that it is not about WHAT you do, it is about HOW you do it. Just because something may not seem big and important, that does not mean that it isn’t. Our ultimate goal here on earth, is to be a shining light for Jesus Christ and to lead as many people to Him as possible. Who is to say… that a thirty-four year old children’s leader, with a soul on fire for Jesus, and a passion for helping people, can’t be that lighthouse.

I may not know what my calling is just yet, but I will continue to search for it. In the meantime, I will shine as brightly as I possibly can for the One that created us all.

Learning to Dream

I have a very vivid imagination. As a child, I was able to occupy my time for hours playing games of make-believe. I was a princess of a mystical land, a safari guide in Africa, a scientist that had discovered the cure for cancer, or a world class gymnast. The list was endless. I dreamed as big as my mind would allow. Some of these childhood dreams involved my destiny. I just knew that by the age of 30, I would be a successful doctor, married to my prince charming, and have a house full of children. I could see my future so vividly that I could tell you everything right down to the clothing I was wearing and the food I was eating. The only problem, these childhood dreams were not how my life would manifest. This leads me perfectly into this post. My ability to dream so realistically has also been one of my greatest weaknesses to overcome.

Dreaming has been on my mind, almost constantly, for the past several months. I began to recognize that I had a very unhealthy, and unrealistic, relationship with my goals and dreams. Because I can so vividly see myself reaching my goals, when I fall short it is devastating. Even if I have put in a great effort, and have made so many strides along the way, I will still feel like I have completely failed. After this happens, I almost always revert back to square one. It is an endless and dangerous cycle that has left me, on more than one occasion, severely depressed filled with so much self hatred. When I look at my life, I am always comparing it to someone else’s. I will see what I wanted, dreamed about, and ultimately do not have, and immediately feel like a failure.

This all became very clear when I started my life coaching class in May. I had a light bulb moment after speaking to my mentor. She made me realize that I would never be happy, or satisfied, with my life if I was constantly comparing it to that perfect picture I had in my mind of how it should be. She told me that I had to find joy in my current reality. That I needed to look at my accomplishments and be proud of where I am and where I have come from. Friends, let me tell you, I have overcome so much. I have accomplished more than I ever dreamed possible. There is so much to be proud of. Now, it is time start believing that truth.

The problem with believing in myself is that I have been stuck, convinced that I am undeserving of the big “reach for the stars” dreams. I doubt every ounce of my capability. I start to accept that I am just not good enough for major success. Yes, I know how ridiculous this all sounds. Who am I to say that I am unworthy or unable? Isn’t this attitude kind of like punching God in the face? It’s almost like saying that He could not possibly create me to do something big and magnificent. I have to constantly stop and tell myself, “Girl, you do not have that kind of power!”. After all, He is the one who thought me up and breathed life into my existence.

I think that I have, unintentionally, placed God in a neat little box. Which is also completely absurd! My God is almighty, powerful, and perfect, and He cannot be contained! If God has big plans for this insecure and unworthy small-town girl, than I am standing here with my arms wide open ready to receive my blessings and conquer this world!

If you have ever felt like you are not allowed to dream, I challenge you to dig that hidden dream out of your mind. To pray on it, and ask God to help you achieve it. Nothing is out of reach for our God! Once you really start to believe in yourself the possibilities are limitless. It will not happen overnight, especially if you have spent years burying those dreams. It will be an ongoing process, but trust me it is worth it! YOU are worth it. God believes in YOU, now it is time that you do as well!

Lessons Learned While Running

4 for the 4th- 2019

I may not look like your typical runner, but it is something that I have grown to love. I appreciate the effort that my body has to give in order to carry myself through every step. The euphoric feeling that comes after a long run is like no other. Running is not only good for my physical body but also my mind. It has caused me to learn so many lessons about myself and some valuable truths.

Foam Glow 5K

I did not start off loving to run. In fact, I have a rather comical story about how much I disliked it! My senior year of high school the girls cross country team desperately needed one more girl to qualify as a “team”. I had been a golfer, however, I had a cast on my arm that prevented me from golfing. The cross country coach knew this and immediately started contacting me. So I became the fifth member of our high school team. I wish I could say that this is when I fell in love with running… it is not! During our practices, I would hide with one of the other girls in the elementary play ground. Honestly, I am not sure how I finished a single race!

My love for running started about 7 years ago. That first run is still very fresh in my mind. I was living in Spokane and was under an immense amount of stress and pressure. I had heard people talk about how big of a stress reliever running was, so I figured “why not”. Nothing else had worked, and I was still too stubborn to actually seek help from a professional. I had these new fluorescent orange tennis shoes and a hot pink breast cancer awareness sweatshirt on. I made it only about 3 minutes before I had to start walking. It was cold but I forced myself to stay outside until I had put in 20 mins of work. After that first run, I never stopped. I have been running consistently ever since.

Disney Princess 2019

Here are a few lessons that I have learned while hitting the pavement:

  1. The struggle and pain of pushing your body will take your mind off of what is really going on. As I had mentioned previously, I had started running because I was going through one of the toughest situations of my life. I needed my mind to go numb. To forget about what my current reality was. Is this a good long term solution? Absolutely not, but it worked while I was gathering the strength that I needed.
  2. It is the perfect time to talk to God. When I run, I am alone. There is nobody else talking into my ear. The craziness of everyday life is gone. I am quiet. God was always there patiently waiting for me. Sometimes, He was just there to listen to my heart. Others, He was speaking to me. Giving me encouragements. Filling my thoughts with HIS thoughts. During my runs, I truly found myself.
  3. Dreams can become reality. I am a dreamer! I can see, feel, and almost grasp what my mind envisions. However, I tend to believe that I don’t deserve my dreams or that they are unobtainable. For me, dreaming is a double edged sword. This topic deserves it’s own post, so I will not elaborate on this now. Some of my greatest dreams and desires have come to me while running. I am very happy to say, that I have also worked through some of my fantasy/catastrophe thinking during my runs. It has been during these times, that I have truly embraced my abilities and fueled my fire to succeed. It is were I laid the foundation for some of my dreams to actually come true.
  4. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! It is so easy to sit on your couch and think “I could never do this”, “I am not strong enough”, or “I’m too out of shape”. God gave you those legs and feet to be able to move your body! He made you strong enough to do anything you put your mind to. Does it take work? Yes, one hundred percent! However, you are more than capable to put in that effort. It is always your mind that will give up before your body does. Keep pushing on! Conquer those demons in your head that say you can’t do it!

These lessons have all been great, but I have noticed myself doing something that I am so embarrassed about. I actually started to do it again at the beginning of this post. I did not change the entry just so you can see what I am talking about. When someone asks me about my running, I almost always start the conversation off putting myself down. I will say; “I’m not fast”, “I am a terrible runner, but I do it”, “I know, I don’t look like a runner”, or “I don’t REALLY consider myself a runner”. It is incredibly demeaning and undermines all of the accomplishments that I have made. Friends, let me tell you something, if you run… YOU are a runner! We must stop degrading ourselves because we do not fit that standard mold. No, I am not super thin. I do not have long legs. I am not tall. What I am is a 5’2″ and incredibly strong runner. These short legs have carried me through 5 half marathons and more 5K’s and 10K’s than I can count.

Indy Mini Marathon

In May, this body carried me 13.1 miles through the pouring rain. During that race, I ran faster than I ever thought was possible for me. I was so overwhelmed with my accomplishment that I literally crossed the finish line with tears streaming down my face. I had made one of my dreams come true. That race was a huge milestone. I discovered what I was really capable of. In a way, it changed my entire mindset. There was a definite, and obvious, shift in my demeanor. It gave me the ability to allow myself to dream again.

Running may not be your thing, but I am sure there is something that you are doing to find your quiet time and escape your thoughts. Whatever that may be, keep doing it! Despite what some people may say, YOU are rocking it! I am cheering you on.

Disney Wine and Dine.

When I reached for a hand, I found your paw.

Animals are the BEST! Seriously, I have an absolute love for all of them. In fact, I have been known to drag people to zoo’s with me. I have easily visited animal retreats and zoo’s in over 20 states. It is just my thing.

Let me tell you about one of my absolute favorite animals. Man’s (or woman’s) best friend, the dog. I may be a bit biased because I do own 3 of the very best pups around, but it just doesn’t get much better than a dog’s love. They are one of the only things on this earth (besides God, Himself) that loves you more than they love themselves. Their love is complete and unconditional. There is nobody happier than a dog when their person has just walked in the door.

My dogs have personally helped me travel through troubled waters. They each have their own story which I can share at a later time. These little loves were given to me as a gift from God to remind me that I am not alone. There have been so many tears cried into their little necks, extra snuggles when I have been sick, and endless amounts of laughter from their quirky personalities.

In today’s blog, I am going to take some time to tell you a few stories about my furry children. All three have very different, very big personalities. It is hard to just pick a few stories because they truly are so entertaining. I hope you all enjoy this glimpse into the life of my dogs.

Minnie- The black and white dachshund

I am going to begin with my first pup, Minnie. She is this sassy and crazy smart Piebald Dachshund. This little girl truly rules the house, as any queen should.

Little Minnie

Minnie is a sock hoarder. She doesn’t eat them or tear them up, but if a sock is left out it becomes her property! I discovered this sock obsession when she was almost a year old. I went into my sock drawer trying to find a matching pair, and there were none! I searched everywhere and ended up wearing mismatched socks for weeks. Unsure of what on earth had happened, I assumed the laundry mat machines were eating them. It was not until one day when I had just gotten home from the gym and had stripped off my shoes and socks, that I figured it all out. This black and white streak rushed out from hiding, stole my socks, and sprinted back to her secret place. This is when I followed her under the bed to find every sock I had ever lost. The little sock bandit was caught! She was literally sitting in the middle of her loot looking very proud of her treasures. To this day (she is now almost 10 years old!), I still have to watch where I take my socks off at.

Patton- The red dachshund

Patton is the main man in my life. This little red bundle of joy had a rough start to life. He was the little reject puppy that I bought out of the back of a pickup truck in a Walmart parking lot. Patton was severely malnourished and practically on his death bed. This sweet boy was a fighter, though. Several antibiotics, lots of food, and endless amounts of love made him as good as new. His tough start did leave him with some funny quirks. The poor thing can’t see very well in the dark and will often run into things if the lights are off, but don’t feel sorry for him! What he lacks in vision he more than makes up for everywhere else.

Patton is a permanent puppy. He just wants to be snuggled at all times and is happiest under blankets in your lap. However, the story I will tell you about him is far from this seemingly sweet little dog. Patton is a serial killer. Trust me, I wish I was kidding. This little 10 lb dog is a top notch hunter. It all started with the birds. At first it was one a week, then it quickly multiplied and I was having almost one a day! I had to move all bird feeders out of the back yard to try and save my flying friends. Of course, after I removed the birds from the equation, he had to find another outlet. This rascal has caught squirrels, chipmunks, and moles. Oh, but he did not stop with the small creatures. Last summer, he began his big hunt. This tiny little dog managed to catch a opossum that was easily 3 times his size! After he caught it, he started howling so loud that I was sure he was hurt. I ran outside in a panic (not yet knowing what he had done) only to find him celebrating his catch. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this dog, he was singing for joy. The next day, I had to call a neighbor over to help me get rid of his little prize.

Dixie- The Blue Merle Great Dane

Disclaimer- I absolutely adore ALL of my dogs, Dixie and I just have a very special connection.

God just knows when you need a best friend, and that is exactly what he gave me when Dixie came into my life. I have never had a connection with another animal like I do with this dog. She came to me exactly when I needed her. This dog reads all of my emotions. She knows when I am stressed or when I am sad, and immediately comes to calm me down. She has the sweetest disposition and is absolutely wonderful with her “little” siblings. I truly believe that this gentle giant is my doggy soul mate. I was fortunate enough to be able to take this pup just about everywhere with me when she was young. We lived in a state that was extremely dog friendly and I was even able to take her to work with me while she was potty training. As you can imagine, this meant that we have spent tons of time together. There are so many funny moments that I can share with you about Dixie, and here is one of my favorites.

Dixie’s Easter Portrait

Dixie absolutely hates getting her nails trimmed. I have no clue as to why, she has never had a traumatic experience while getting them cut. A few years ago, we arrived at PetSmart for her appointment. She was ecstatic to be there and explore the store. However, when we turned towards the grooming station she refused to go near the door. Dixie looked just like Marmaduke in one of his famous comics. She splayed her legs out blocking the door frame. When I finally was able to peel her off of the door, this crazy girl turns around and jumps into my arms like a toddler. All of a sudden, I am clumsily walking into the groomers carrying a 125 lb child. Now, this couldn’t have happened while the store wasn’t busy. Oh no, they were having a special holiday sale and were absolutely packed. I am sure you can only imagine the stares and laughter than ensued from people watching our entire ordeal.

Now that you have had an introduction to my favorite little four legged friends, I am sure you can understand my obsession with them. I hope that you enjoyed reading this. I promise to occasionally post more of their crazy adventures. Trust me, I have tons! These three always keep me on my toes.



The Journey Back to Me.

A room full of the people I love. So much hope and passion in one location.

As I am approaching a very big milestone, I feel compelled to tell you all a part of my story.  It’s a story of growth, discovery, and self-love.  A journey on how I stopped being a victim and started being brave. It’s a woman’s path towards living intentionally and boldly with a passion for life. 

This past week, I have been vacationing and have had a lot of time to reflect what this past year has meant to me.  You see, for the first time in almost 10 years, I have been completely away from work and the craziness of my everyday life.  This has allowed me to stop and take a glance back to where my life was a year ago compared to where I am now, and it has my mind completely blown.  This journey has been scary, it has been tough, and it has been painful.  But let me tell you, oh my goodness, it has been one hundred percent worth it! 

Last summer, I found myself in one of the darkest places that I have ever been in.  I was in a relationship that was not healthy for me and was trying to force it to work.  I hated myself so much that I would burst into tears anytime I looked in to a mirror.  Things had become so bad that I began to have debilitating anxiety attacks multiple times a week.  I was barely functioning.  Pushing anybody and everybody away from me that I could.  By the end of June, the darkness took over.  I started to have suicidal thoughts and was convinced the world would be a better place without me in it.  My faith is what saved me.  God spoke to me one evening and told me to wake up and talk to someone.  All of a sudden, I knew the steps that I needed to take to try and clean up the mess I had created.  The relationship I mentioned, I ended it.  As soon as I did, it was like an elephant had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I had been trying to create something that wasn’t there.  Telling myself that this was what was good for me.  It had been making me crazy trying to be someone that I am not, and it was not fair to him either.  I was not the girl he thought I was, and I would never be.  I made the phone calls and put myself into counseling.  Walking through the door to see my counselor for the first time was the bravest thing that I have ever done.  I knew what was coming next.  I knew that she would dive deep into my soul and learn everything about me, and she did. 

By the end of July, I had made so much progress getting past my demons.  I was no longer having the dark thoughts and with proper medication my anxiety was finally somewhat under control.  However, there was still a huge hurdle to tackle.  There was so much self-hate left.  Exactly one year ago this week, I was vacationing with my mom and sister in Florida.  What should have been one of the best times of my life was filled with embarrassment and resentment of how I had let myself go.  I despised what I saw in the mirror.  I shied away from all pictures or at least tried to hide in the background.  There were so many health complications that came with my poor nutrition.  I could not sleep through the night, I had terrible acid reflux, and all of my joints were inflamed.  I was still so miserable.  When I got home from Florida I made a decision that would completely change my life.  I reached out to a dear friend about her health program.  Two months later, I was a different woman.  I had lost almost 30 pounds, was sleeping throughout the night, and was no longer dealing with the inflammation.  I was so passionate about the program and what I had accomplished that I decided to take the plunge and become a health coach myself.  This was something too good not to share with the world.

The job that I had previously, limited me to how much of a commitment I could really give to my health coaching.  I had only a few clients and was constantly concerned that I could not be an effective coach.  I almost made the decision to stop, but God had other ideas.  This past spring, I found myself at a 3D Coaching Retreat.  This lit my entire soul on fire, and I knew that this was what I was supposed to be doing.  So, I trusted that God would provide for me to be a better coach and mentor.  That very weekend, I was contacted about a new job opportunity.  One that would free up so much of my time and decrease my astronomical stress levels.  By mid-May, I was offered the position and my entire life began to change.  I now had the time to fully create my business and allow it to grow.

The first half of the vacation that I have been on, was spent at our National Convention.  The new job gave me the freedom and opportunity to be able to travel down to Florida and attend.  I had a deep love and passion for this company prior to attending convention, but afterwards, I now feel like I can change the world.  Not only are the programs that we offer absolutely amazing, but now they are kicking off a charity to help underprivileged children learn healthy habits and lifestyle.  You all, children are my passion!  I know that this is where I am supposed to be. 

I never would have been able to fully embrace a healthy lifestyle on my own.  I needed the direction and knowledge to be able to teach myself how to sustainably and healthily get my body and mind back to where it should be.  I have learned to love myself and this journey. I am working to be the best version of ME. 

It has been almost an entire year since I made these giant life changes and that is what I am celebrating.  Without every single piece of that story, I would not be the person that I have grown to be today.  I pray that I continue to learn how to be brave and do the hard things. That I will live boldly and intentionally. It is my deepest desire that people will look at me and see the love of Jesus.  I want to be a light to this world and now I finally feel like I can be.  Truthfully, I always was, I just didn’t know it yet.

Sometimes all you need is quality time with your favorite person. The second half of my trip was spent at the beach relaxing with my sister.

Adventures of Dating in a Modern World

As I have previously mentioned, I am exceptionally single.  Trust me, it is not for the lack of trying.  God has just not given me that special person yet.  I have had a few close calls with a ton of potential. They had intense connections and solid relationships either established or in the works.  It is possible that this is all on my mind because I had yet another let down a few days ago. This one did not do anything wrong and he was an exceptional gentleman.  A truly great person.  It breaks my heart that we couldn’t go longer than a short couple of weeks.  Disappointment like this always sends me down a deep and dark path where I tend to question my worth.  This time, I refused to let the depressive thoughts consume me.  I did allow myself to grieve for a day or so, but I quickly forced myself to just trust God and know that this is all a piece of His divine plan.

With all of that being said, it is probably pretty obvious that I have tried many different methods of dating.  I’ve had my go online (free and subscription), blind dates, church groups, friends of friends… the list goes on.  I am sure that you can only imagine some of the stories I must have.  Let me tell you, I have some doozies.  I thought it might be fun to give you all a good laugh so I am going to tell you some of my favorites.  I assure you, they are all true.  I do not have the capacity to make some of these up! The only thing that will be left out will be real names.  I hope you enjoy these little stories from my dating adventures.

The Cubs Fan

Taking us back to 2016 when the Chicago Cubs were finally getting their chance to play in a World Series.  Just prior to this guy, I had been tragically (and quite unexpectedly) dumped and was still suffering from the aftermath.  I am blaming my lapse of judgement on that fact!  I met Cubs Guy on Bumble.  We talked quite a bit through messenger and we had a lot in common.  We both loved the cubs, our dogs, and being outdoors.  Obviously, the ideal date would include our interests.  We decided to meet at Eagle Creek Reservoir to walk our dogs. Here comes the first red flag…. Dixie hated him!  Let me tell you, if a dog thinks you are a bad person, you probably are!  This guy was also afraid of my gentle giant and kept making rude comments about how Dixie would hurt his dog (I hope you can sense my eye roll here).  We survived our 3 mile hike and parted ways.  Cubs Guy was a Chicago Cubs season ticket holder.  Remember, this is the biggest season in over a century!  This fool sold his World Series tickets, ALL OF THEM, because he said “they were just going to lose so what’s the point?”.  Wait, what!?!?  You have the golden ticket in your hand to literally witness history and you could care less?!?!  He was a self-confessed super fan.  Yeah, I don’t think so. That marked the end of the Cubs guy.

The Moe’s Man

In spring of 2017, I matched with this one on Bumble as well.  He seemed too old for me but I entertained the idea of meeting him after work.  He made me choose the time and location and was adamant that I had to make the decisions.  Ok, fine.  I am a planner, so I will take the reigns here.  We met at Moe’s Irish Pub.  He insisted on sitting at a bar high top rather than getting an actual table which created an extremely awkward setting to try and talk.  When the waiter came over my date tried to order me a drink and then became annoyed that I only wanted water.  When it was time to order food, this “gentleman” proceeded to pick and order what he thought I should have!  Excuse me?!?!  Totally not ok.  You just met me.  Why on earth would you think that you can order my dinner?  The meal was painful.  It was all I could do to not be rude and just excuse myself.  Throughout dinner I got to hear all about his ex-wife and her inadequacies. The conversation made it crystal clear that he had unattainably high expectations.  He then went on to tell me that women should not hold positions of power and that a woman as a manager was a joke. At this time, I was a healthcare manager, a very successful one.  As we were leaving, I told him that he obviously could not handle a strong-willed woman and that we would not be seeing each other again.  He had thought the date went wonderfully, which was even more confusing!

Exotic BMW owner

This one will be short and sweet.  This was the second person I went on a date with after my ended engagement.  I met him on eHarmoney.  When we actually met in person, he was about 5 inches shorter than his profile stated.  He lived with his parents (in their basement).  I discovered that he had no Driver’s License due to having too many speeding tickets, no car insurance, and then a DUI (just to add the cherry on top).  I am sure you can imagine how that conversation went after I learned all of this.

The Disappearing Act

I met him in January this past winter.  He was a smooth talker and not my type in the least, but I had not had any luck with the men that I thought were my type so I figured I would give it a try.  He definitely wine and dined me.  Took me on the nicest dates I have ever been on in my life.  This was all great. However, 3 weeks in he started to talk about me selling my house and moving in with him!  Whoa, slow down buddy.  I took it just as over eager, the same way his entire personality was.  We made it 3 months before he randomly dropped off the face of the earth.  After all of that, he ghosted me!  Was gone, completely.  No explanation.  No goodbye.  Just gone.  It was the strangest thing.

The Dachshund Lover

Oh this guy.  I am just shaking my head thinking about him.  He was very recent.  I met him on Match at the end of April.  He owned 2 long hair, very adorable, dachshunds and was a total dog lover.  Big plus, or so I thought.  He was so fascinated with my love of sports and the outdoors.  (Yes, I know that I am a strange woman.)  So many stories came from the short 2.5 weeks that was our time together.  I’ll just tell you a few. 

  1. He brought his dogs over to my house and then persisted to freak out any time my large Great Dane got too close to them.  Insert giant eye roll here.
  2. I was completely conned into taking him to a Cubs game in Cincinnati where I paid for the ENTIRE thing.  We are talking about basically all aspects.  We drove my car, the gas to travel there and back, some of the food, and the amazing seats behind the 3rd base dugout.  This is all after he tells me “the cost doesn’t matter”.  Exactly, because you expected me to pay for the entire thing!
  3. Lastly and certainly not least, he basically invites himself to my sister’s birthday party.  When I get into his truck (because he insisted on driving) this fool has PORN playing on his phone that connects to his truck’s blue tooth speakers.  What. The. Actual. Heck!

You may be asking why I let that one last more than 1 or 2 dates.  I have no idea! Maybe I was lonely or maybe a part of me felt like I was being too harsh.  I have no clue!  It did leave me with a very comical story, no matter how frustrating it may have been.

From all of the madness that is dating in our world today, I have learned very valuable lessons.  I certainly try to find the humor in the process. Perhaps the most important lesson is, IF YOUR DOG DOESN’T LIKE SOMEONE—TRUST THEM!  My dog tends to be a far better judge of character than I am.  All kidding aside, family comes first.  They will always be your family, don’t let someone try to come between you and them. I have also had a few that have attempted to involve my friends in the breakup.  This makes absolutely no sense to me.  If they really are my friends, I win, every time. 

Even though I have had a wild ride trying to find my person, I am not giving up.  I believe in my heart that God did not create us to be alone.  I used to think that God was ignoring my prayers.  That they didn’t matter.  I know now that I am not being ignored but being told to wait.  I also think that I am learning powerful lessons in this chapter of my life.  If I would have been in a serious relationship prior to getting my heart right with God, I may never have stayed committed to my faith journey.  I must realize that God always comes first and that he also needs to remain in the center of whatever relationship that I do end up in.  I have read several books regarding this topic and there are a few golden nuggets that I have pulled from them.  An important one, that I should be praying for the one that will eventually end up in my life.  No, I do not know who that will be or when it will happen, but I do believe that in God’s timing it will.  I do pray (almost daily) that God will straighten my future husband’s path towards me.  That he will bless the road that he is walking on and keep him in His favor.  Someday, I hope that I can look into my love’s eyes and tell him this.

This is the big, bad, and scary pup that the previously mentioned men were afraid of. Obviously, she is terrifying.

Surviving Disappointment

This is my first Official Post! It is one that has been heavy on my heart lately and something that I am constantly trying to work through. You are getting ready to get an unfiltered look into who I actually am. The good, bad, and definitely the ugly. You see, I have suffered from severe anxiety and some depression for most of my life. I started having panic attacks when I was in high school and gradually that warped into something on an entirely different level. Writing has always been an outlet for me, which is partially how the dream to become a blogger happened. Living my journey out loud on social media has been a very important part of my healing. Now, I want to be a safe place for anyone that thinks they cannot go on, because let me tell you… YES. YOU. CAN. Is it easy? Heck no, but I promise you it will be worth it.

Bet you are wondering why I just started this post in such a deep way. Well, I am hoping that it will cause the following to make a bit more sense. Let’s talk a little bit about surviving disappointments and rejection.

I am sure that all of you have those unbearably rough days from time to time. For me, they normally start off trying to pull myself out of bed and attempting to be an actual productive human being. I dread these mornings because I know when I fully wake up and erase the sleep from my mind, I will remember what put me in this position to begin with. Most often it is from some sort of rejection. This rejection could be anything; another failed attempt at a relationship, an ended friendship, a missed opportunity at work, the list could go on. Sometimes these moments can hit me out of nowhere and it is as if I have forgotten everything I know about God… and myself. The disappointment consumes me. I can no longer think about my accomplishments or the positive impact that I am having. I am consumed with whatever circumstance that has brought me to this point.

This is where I start to wonder why God has forgotten me and left me here all alone. Of course, this isn’t true! What is actually going on and happening, is an answer to a prayer. God’s way of protecting me from whatever it was that I had put myself into. Those broken relationships are because he wasn’t the one that God has waiting for me. Maybe that friendship would have been more toxic than I could have handled and taken me away from the one who matters most. If those prayers would have been answered, I would have been sent down the wrong path. Towards a lifetime of despair and pain. I would not have been living the life that God has planned. Does knowing that He is on my side and looking out for me make it any easier? Sometimes. However, I am often left dealing with the disappointment and trying to turn my eyes back to Him for direction. I have learned through my journey that I have to lean and rely on God. It is the only thing that really heals my heart and centers my soul back to Him.

I am sure that we will talk more about disappointments and rejection in the future. I do, however, want to leave you with a few things that have helped me along the way. I love to read and there have been so many great self-love books to come out lately. I am going to list a few of my favorites in the bottom of this post!

Back to the beginning of our conversation today, find a “safe person”. Someone that you can tell anything and that you are comfortable sharing your struggles with. We are much better and stronger together. Having the love of a friend can literally save your life. Please do not journey through this alone. What you are feeling is not insignificant and it matters. YOU matter.

Book List!

  • Remember God by Annie F Downs
  • Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis
  • It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst
  • Indestructible: Leveraging Your Broken Heart to Become a Force of Love and Change in the World by Allison Fallon
Had to throw this one in here! My buddy while writing this post🐾

Welcome and thanks for stopping by!

Hello! First of all, welcome to my Blog! For years, I have dreamed of starting a place of my own where I could express myself and tell my story. Well, folks, I finally decided to kick fear in the face and just go for it. THIS is me being brave.

For a while now, I have felt God nudging me (rather forcefully I might add!) to start living my life intentionally and out loud. I started very small by posting about my life and telling my story on social media. However, that is not what God had in mind. I was putting God in a box and not really understanding what I was being called to do. Recently, I began dreaming about this blog almost every night. I was very vividly visualizing what it would look like. I could see who would be reading it and the impact that I could have. I am not entirely sure where I am being led, or what the purpose of this outlet will be, but for once I am listening with a clear mind and an open heart.

I do hope that you enjoy my writing and that you leave feeling blessed and loved…. Because I do love and care for all of you.

Hugs,

Kimberly